Congo - (1995)

Jurassic Park is a great movie, one of my faves, a classic, and the best Michael Crichton movie. The sequels on the other hand, were lame. The Lost World: Jurassic Park was mediocre, and Jurassic Park III was *highly* mediocre, and you could feel the complete lack of caring from everyone involved. Congo, also based on a Michael Crichton novel, is not nearly as good as the first Jurassic Park, but is much more enjoyable than the sequels, and is the rare B-movie to get a wide release much to everyone’s (just mine) joy.

It’s about a talking gorilla armed with a Power Glove, a treasure hunting Eastern European Tim Curry, a former Ghostbuster (Ernie Hudson) turned smooth mercenary, and a expedition sent out by Joe Don Baker (Mitchell!) to find his son Bruce Campbell (Hail to the King) and a diamond that can power a super laser, which comes in handy against bloodthirsty 1,000 year old albino gorillas. Also, hippos that eat people…bet you didn’t know they do that.

Congo is well paced, and moves from one fun adventure moment to another. It’s dumb, and it knows it, all it cares it about is moving on to the gorilla on man action, which is the problem for most people. Everyone says the special effects for the gorillas are obviously just puppets and people in suits. And past the old albino gorillas which are supposed to look monstrous and different, yeah, all the gorillas aren’t convincing. The talking gorilla Amy is downright laughable. Except when she talks, then it’s just scary. But that’s part of the entertainment value. And don’t get me wrong, this is from Stan Winston, perhaps the greatest special effects artist of all time, he can do better, but for this movie, the dumber, the better. Many say they should’ve done CGI, to which I say “Hell no”. There’s nothing magical or charming about bad CGI, usually even good CGI. I hear a lot of people say this “ruined” the book, but the book was pretty dumb too folks, it still had evil gorillas.

Special credit goes to Ernie Hudson, who steals the show. Many people have said it before, but he’s kind of like a black Clark Gable, it’s awesome. Also, he was the coolest Ghostbuster, no debate. Also props to Tim Curry, who is incapable of not entertaining. Yeah, I recommend Congo. Just note most people hate it.

The Dungeonmaster - (1984) ... or Ragewar: The Challenges of Excalibrate - (1984)... or Digital Knights - (1984)

The Dungeonmaster is a science fiction/fantasy movie that has yet to see a release on DVD, Blu-Ray, or even Laserdisc. It can be seen on Netflix, but as it stands, you can only own it on VHS. And for many reasons, this is a movie that demands to be seen on VHS quality picture. It actually has seven different directors, which include special effects artist David Allen, B-movie God Charles Band, and Steven Ford, the son of Gerald Ford (yes, that’s true). If you’re not intrigued yet, then there’s no hope for you.

It’s about a dweeb named Paul with a pair of computer powered glasses (this is never really explained) and his girlfriend Gwen, who are enjoying their boring simple life (past the glasses) until one night they’re whisked away to an alternate dimension by a sorcerer named Mestema, who decides Paul is Earth’s greatest warrior or something, and puts him through seven challenges. And that’s pretty much it, until the end where Paul fights Mestema and kills him, they go home, and the movie ends right there.

Each challenge has a different writer and director, all of whom are credited at the end credits, despite no credit to the director or writers of the beginning or ending. The challenge segments include a murder mystery, a Mad Max-esque world, zombies, giant monkey statues, and the glam metal legends W.A.S.P., who try to kill Paul with the power of metal and face meltingly awesome rock! This movie is pretty disjointed and very repetitive, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it. I love the low budget effects (still better than CGI), Richard Moll is hilariously over the top as the villain, and some of the segments can be entertaining for the 5 to 10 minutes they last. But a movie like this feels incomplete without some Mystery Science Theater 3000 silhouettes at the bottom. If anything of this 80’s cheese sounds entertaining to you, you’ll probably wind up enjoying it.

But note, it’s called “The Dungeonmaster” to trick Dungeons and Dragons fans into seeing it, and it has pretty much nothing to do that. Seriously, that was the goal with the new title, because this was originally called Ragewar (sounds like a W.A.S.P. cover band) and Digital Knights. I guess it’s like Dungeons and Dragons mixed with Tron (not as awesome as it sounds thought) and it is better than the actual D&D movie. But I had to just call out its deceptive marketing. Again, if this sounds cool (and it DOES sound cool) then please, check it out, and let the power of metal take you away.

Time Bandits - (1981)

Director Terry Gilliam was always more of a behind the scenes guy on Monty Python, providing all the weird animated segments. Since then he’s become a very famous director, most notably directing one of the greatest science fiction/fantasy movies of all time, “Brazil” (at least if you ask me) and of course one of the greatest comedy movies of all time, “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” (just ask anyone). And although I can see some kids (and adults) being weirded out by “Time Bandits”, I just love it, and I’d say it’s a great family movie…for certain families.

It’s about a little boy named Kevin, whose ignored by his technology obsessed parents, while he’s really into history. Then one day, some dwarves come through his closet with a map, which they stole from God. The map can transport you through time, and the boy is dragged along with them when God bursts into his room looking for the map. Along the way he meets Napoleon Bonaparte, Robin Hood, Agamemnon, and Evil. Evil wants the map for himself so he can escape from the dimension God trapped him in, creating the conflict, as if being chased by God isn’t enough. I love it, it’s so epic, and the ending, which may seriously bother some people and be nightmare fuel to children, is perfect. I always liked sick kid’s movies, like “Gremlins” and Tim Burton’s “Batman” movies, and I’m sure plenty of kids can handle the movie, and would even love it. Some kids may find it dated nowadays, being raised on CGI vomit and other crap, but forget about the kids for a second, if you’re interested in this premise, then you’ll love it. If you think it sounds too weird or silly, then you probably won’t like it, but it’s your loss because it’s a really awesome movie.

This movie also has the absolute greatest movie cast assembled ever in any movie. It has Sean Connery, John Cleese, David Warner, Tony Jay, Michael Palin, Ian Holm, Jim Broadbent, and Kenny Baker (you know, R2-D2 from “Star Wars”). Most of these people are only in one part, but that what makes it awesome. John Cleese is only in one scene as Robin Hood, and it’s easily the funniest part of the whole movie. Sean Connery is Agamemnon, and actually gets some touching moments with Kevin. David Warner, one of the greatest actors ever, is completely awesome as Evil. The movie deserves credit just for getting such an awesome cast together. They could’ve just all sat on a toilet for 2 hours, and it still would’ve been great. But of course, the main character is the little boy, Kevin, played by Craig Warnock, who actually does really good, and went to go on to do no movie ever again.

The song featured in the film is “Dream Away”, by producer and ex-Beatle George Harrison, and it’s pretty good. The special effects are also amazing, as they’re *actually* special effects, using models and stop-motion animation. The good ol’ days. Overall, I love this movie, if any of this sounds appealing you’ll love it, and overall it’s a reminder of how good movies can be.